No Credit
     ---------

     Probably the worst thing to come out of the capitalist system, aside

from obscure stamp prices ($.32?  A quarter, nickel, and two pennies?), is

the idea of credit.

     No one is exactly sure what credit is, that is why I am led to believe

it's some sort of mystical power much like the force in Star Wars which can

only be given to a select few highly-skilled monks armed with calculators.

The thing is, if you are privileged enough to obtain credit, there is a

chance it may be seduced by the dark side and turn into bad credit.

     I base the above on a recent credit experience I had trying to buy a

piece of hardware for my computer.  I own a 133 mhz Pentium which I call, in

computer lingo, my PLB (Pentium Love Bunker).  I don't mean to brag, but this

is a computer of such awesome power that it could have easily run the Apollo

13 mission just by clicking the left mouse button.  It is a majestic piece of

hardware that I am quite proud of except, and this was to my jubilant dis-

covery, of it's inability to display any type of high-resolution animation

smoothly, which is what it was built for in the first place.  My system can

handle high-res, full-screen, full-motion video, sure...it's just that it

looks like somebody has gone in, attacked the video with a weedwhacker, and

then put the pieces back together randomly via dog drool.

     The solution to this is, of course, a 3D-Accelerator card with 4 megs of

video ram.  For those of you out their not "hip" with my computer "lingo," ram

gets it's name from the Dodge Ram, primarily because of their similar price

tags.  I found an awesome card at one of those giant computer warehouse stores

with names like "Senile Sal's Megz O' Rama" and "Bytes R Us."  It was a tiny

piece of hardware that featured some powerfully technological words on the box

such as "gourand shading" and "mip-mapping."

     The most interesting of all these words, however, was "anti-alliasing,"

which makes objects appear blurry when you look at them closely.  I'm afraid

this classifies me as a computer geek because I am truly excited about anti-

alliasing.  I love anti-alliasing. In fact, I try to use it whenever I can...

     Person : "So, how'd you do on the test?"

     Me : "Well, I anti-alliased the first part, but everything else was mip-

          mapped."

     Person : "Huh?"

     Needless to say I was really in love with this card and I was planning on

purchasing it.  Was.  The car was $200 which, being a full-time student

working 20 hours a week with car and insurance payments, I could not quite

afford.  I could, however, apply for a credit card exclusive to that store and

pay off the hardware over a period of six months.  This was a brilliantly

simple idea!  Not only would I get the card, but I'd also build up my credit

in no time.  So I filled out an application and handed it to the very

optimistic girl behind the service desk who told me it would take a few

minutes to process and she'd call me when it was through.

     So I walked around the store (twice), grasping my 3D-Accelerator card

with 4 megs of video RAM as if it were a long lost relative.  I bonded with

that little card.  I knew it wanted to upgrade my computer and boy, did I want

it to do so.  Morals be damned, I thought.  My computer won't mind.

     "Jason Plott, please come to the service desk," a voice boomed over the

intercom.

     Ah.  Another five minutes and I'd be in total, high-resolution nirvana.

I was already thinking about which serial port I'd put it in when suddenly...

     "What's your social security number?"

     I told it to her again.

     "And what is your address?"

     Not seeing the point of these questions but fearing the loss of my card

I answered her.

     She picked up the phone and said nothing.  A few seconds later she said

to me, "I'm sorry we can not give you a credit card now. Our credit company

will send you the reason why you were rejected in ten days."

     "Wha...?" I said, feeling the 3D-Accelerator evaporate from my hands.

"I don't understand.  Look, I have credit, right? Good credit.  See?  My

truck?  I don't owe anything!"

     "Yes and you'll have your answer in ten days," she said and turned away.

     I left the store feeling not only as if I had just broken up with a girl-

friend, but also very poor.  I wondered about the questions she asked me and

why.  I imagine she was talking to a Jedi master on the other line about my

application...

     Yoda : "Okay, did he said his social security number, did he say it with

a funny accent?"

     Clerk : "No."

     Yoda : "Did he remember where he lives?"

     Clerk : "Yes, he did."

     Yoda : Hmmmm...sounds suspicious to me.  No, he needs more training."

     It turns out that, get this, I don't owe enough.  That's right!  I don't

have enough bad credit, which is what I thought I didn't want.  The obvious

solution to this is to stop paying for those things that I've bought with

credit which I can't do because in order to not pay for something that has

been purchased with credit I have to have credit which I can't get because

I've idiotically failed to not pay for credit I don't have in the first place.

     And we wonder why the crime rate is so high in America.